Funny Trek
by Admin Tesla
Summary: a bunch of funny randon stories of Star Trek
1. Chapter 1

Chekov had a splitting earache ever since he woke up.

The captain noticed him tilting his ear to one side every now and often and he nearly punched in the wrong co-ordinates. So via captain's orders Chekov had to get checked out by Doctor McCoy

Chekov walked into doctor McCoy's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"

'Sure, doctor, Vhat can I do for you', says Chekov

"Would you scream in the most ear-splitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The Doctor McCoy said smiling

"But vhy, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain? Apart from when you made me give zhose samples" Asks Chekov

"Yes," Said doctor McCoy in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock drinking session with Scotty and I want to clear the line of red-shirts outside!


	2. Chapter 2

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a United Star ship Enterprise and Starfleet control. The Radio conversation was released by the president of the federation because he doesn't want other Starfleet personnel to make the same mistake .

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE; WE ARE A LARGE CONSITUTION CLASS STARSHIP WITH TORPEDOES AND PHASERS. DIVERT YOUR COURSE!

- This the planet Earth. Your call


	3. Chapter 3

To Starfleet Control ,

Over the past six months, crewman Cooper has become increasingly disturbed we would like for you to check these reports my first officer has handed into me

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them on peoples work stations

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks on the ship to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an Ensign and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in engineering. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the sickbay and gave m&m's out to patients saying they were magical pills that could cure anything.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the botany department and told other crewmembers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the storage.

September 23: When another fellow security officer asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the armoury, he asked a lieutenant where the antidepressants were in the sickbay.

December 3: Darted around the ship suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the engineering department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in an ensigns clothing rack in her quarters and when she went to change, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into the conference room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour on board the Enterprise or possibly in Starfleet. We respectfully request you remove him from his position at once.

Regards, Captain James .T. Kirk


	4. Chapter 4

In summary, the federation police arrested Captain Kirk of the U.S.S Enterprise, in a pumpkin patch on Risan at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Captain Kirk will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Risan Council court courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated at the lie detector session.

Kirk went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Captain Kirk apparently failed to notice a federation police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Kirk) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Kirk. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"


End file.
